well, it’s 2 am on a monday, i can’t sleep, i’ve got work to cram and now it’s time to fill up my self-hate quota for the day.
i just realized that i’m really not good at anything. i mean, i’m average in a lot of things, but i’m not awesome at anything. which is something that greatly troubles me. i’m wading blind into a totally bigger pool in a few months, and yeah, high school was fun shit but college and the real world’s going to be a lot different. the university i’m going to isn’t exactly the easiest either (possibly even the hardest one around here, but that’s debatable) and being ‘average at everything but not great at something’ is not going to cut it there.
i know, you’re probably thinking that i’m some sort of masochistic bitch who doesn’t know what she’s talking about. but it’s true. i’ve noticed it for quite some time now– most of my friends are damn amazing at their own thing. but me? not really. there are a ton of other people who are a thousand times more fantastic at the things i can do average-ly. hell, the only thing i’m great at is faking it until i make it.
and you know what’s fucking ridiculous? the fact that when i actually try to be really good at one thing, i just feel all pretentious and not myself that i eventually stop trying to do anything so i end up awake at 2 in the fucking morning meta-blogging because i have nothing better to do. i find myself doing nothing productive with my life because when i actually want to do something productive or new, the whole ‘jack of all trades master of none’ bullshit pops up like my motherfucking conscience and poof, there it goes, it’s gone. life goes on and world keeps spinning and i’m stuck in between trying to do something and trying not to do anything. my fucking ego is all over the place, my fucking motivation is jackshit, and well, i think i’ve burned out too early in the game.
what the fuck do i even want from myself? what the fuck do i even want to do? the fuck should i know.
fucking comparative and absolute advantage. motherfucking existentialism at 2 in the motherfucking morning.