It is 3:47 am on January 2, 2014. I have nothing else to do except brainfart my way into my first blog post for the new year (besides trying not to vomit because of fanfiction-induced feelings and pre-Sherlock season 3 anticipation). So out of my current state of boredom, here is my attempt at a ~nostalgic~ trip down the shithole that was 2013.
Based on feeling alone I can say that 2013 was a shit year for me. Perhaps something close to 2011, but without enough redeeming qualities and with an overdose of cynicism. 2013 was a classic case of ningas kugon, first starting out pleasant and possibly even amazing– but then we hit a speed bump and well, it all went downhill from there. Suffice to say that this year wasn’t my best.
I won’t deny it though– in retrospect, I had everything going for me. Fresh out of high school, enrolled in the best school in the country, booked for a 2 week trip to America, loads of opportunities I could take if I just reached out… yes, all I am grateful for. These were the things that kept me going this year, but what do you do when you’re stuck in a rut that you can’t get out of? It seems to me that regardless of the good things that happened this past year, I can never seem to shake off the “negativity” that pervaded my whole life. Okay, maybe things are getting a little out of hand here. Let’s make this weird, nostalgic analysis thing here simpler.
HIGHLIGHTS OF MY 2013 (yes, in no particular order):
- Graduating high school (fuck yeah)
- UP, UP, UP Fight
- Meeting Patrick J. Adams
- That Whole USA Trip Basically New York
- Apping for EcoSoc, Getting into EcoSoc
- That Bacolod Trip, #YOLO #MASSKARA
- Discovering philosophy, consequently PhiloSoc
- Artsy things (MoMA)
- Fitness Summer 2k13
- Everything with a little/lot of help from my friends old and new
LOWLIGHTS OF MY 2013 (yes, in no particular order):
- The Absurd / My Nothingness / The Abyss / This Meaningless Universe
- New insecurities
- Gaining back the weight I lost (which isn’t really a big thing)
- Possibly being a victim of sin taxes
- Stupid…. foreigners…. (mixed emotions here, not racist)
- Blurred priorities
- Losing faith
- Losing Voldy, my laptop
- Basically not fitting in anywhere
- Not being honest with myself
Now that we’ve narrowed my year down to something a little less confusing but a little more vague, I have come to the conclusion that my year was shitty because of myself. Me and my self-created drama, me and my lazy ass, me and my boredom that pushes me to the brink of obsession, me and my ridiculous relationship with misery, me and my non-desire for sleep, me and my lack of consistency, me and my cynicism, me and my pessimism, me and my romanticism, me and my absence of filters, me and my pride, me and my belly, me and my shame and guilt hormone deficiency, me and my nonexistent morals, me and my self-deprecation that fuels me more, me and my virtual life, me and my walls, me and my gaze on the walls and my head in the gutter, me and my not-good-enough, me and my pretentieux, me and my crazy methods for self-preservation, me and my urge to run away from things that scare me, me and my comfort zone, me and my green-eyed monster, me and you, me and my fear. Me and my fear.
My fear. Fear,
Mine. Me. My fear. And me.
If I were half the asshole I am now I would be mumbling in my sleep and going on about me and my *insert thing I hate about 2013 here*. But today, it is January 2, 2014 and I want to start anew. This is what I love about new years. We all know we’re still as fat, fucked, and broke as we all were two days ago but for some reason we think the 1st of January is magical, even life-changing. The start of the year has no room for petty, privileged drama. Janus has no time for your shit. Real people sludge through life’s mud and bullshit every single day without complaining about how a boy didn’t love you back, about how you got fat over the holidays, or about how you can never seem to connect with people. The new year is a time for nostalgia, a time for celebration, a time for hope. And while I don’t think I’ll be prancing around retweeting fake Wiz Khalifa tweets, I think I’ll give myself a shot. A shot in the foot, a shot through the heart, a shot of tequila, a shot with a DSLR I actually learned how to use– yes, I’ll give it a shot.
As the great Albert Camus (weh) once said after resisting suicide logically, “But the point is to live.” And yes, I shall– albeit drunk, cynically, and in this meaningless universe.
2014, fire away!