23:45 // when are you selfish?

It is a quarter until the 21st of January, year 2014. I hate the idea of Wednesday, but I am already so fucking set on finishing Tuesday. I hate the middle of the week (see: wednesday woes). Stuck between the viscous moan of Mondays and the soft-edged relief of Fridays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays were always the worst. They marked the point of no return, the halfway point that made optimists squeal (much to my chagrin) and made pessimists, like me, reach for a glass of vodka.

So here I am, three fourths through a glass of vodka sprite (my current favourite) and unfortunately being drowned by my utter disappointment in the current state of my life. The feeling of wanting to just skip this week is invading my every decision and thought. I lost my fucking sigsheet; I foresee a very broke near-future, and all my plans and priorities are trying to unsuccessfully wrestle their way into my planner. And as a cherry on top of all of that, someone is ignoring me, and moreover, I realised that to some of my friends, I am a commodity. Or at least now our friendship is measured by the amount of time I can place in something, not by my loyalty or dedication. (I don’t know what to feel about this yet– all I know is that I don’t have the energy for this shit.)

Anyway, to veer away from possibly endless midnight rant, my friend asked me this question last week: when are we selfish? Aren’t we always? No matter what we do, whether it benefit others or not, we do it for ourselves. We do good deeds to help other people, but we also do it to make us feel better about ourselves. To make living with yourself lighter, a little more bearable. So I suppose the better question to ask is when should we be selfish? I am getting increasingly annoyed by the assumption of a universal moral compass. Are we born with an idea of what is good or not? Or is everything moral relativism? (Note to self: read more things about this.) Wow, I am getting so far from the point.

Fine. Basically what I wanted to say was that at this point in time, I can no longer give a fuck about your standards of right and wrong. Your standards are oppressive, and it only benefits you. I just realised that I have been wading in a pool of close-minded and judgmental people, and I am getting sick because of the filth. Stop trying to disguise your self-centeredness as concern, you duplicitous fuck. And to the other one, I really don’t like chasing after you. At least have the decency to reply.




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