I’m starting to have trouble connecting with people.
I’ve been thinking about this for a while now, honestly. It’s very disconcerting because I’ve always /sort of/ identified myself as an extrovert (at least to some extent), so I’ve never actually had any major problems with “socializing” per se. I actually sometimes enjoy the small talk with random people, but nowadays I just kind of… shut down. I don’t know what changed in me– maybe it’s just the perfunctory awkward freshman phase or just a self-preservation thing because of the major changes in my life. With college and 2013 shit, basically.
I feel as if I’m tethered to a kite that is slowly flying farther away from reality and genuine connections. I used to pride myself in having the flexibility to be able to talk to all sorts of people, but now, everything just seems so dishonest or forced. It’s like I stopped believing in making new friends because I got so used to the same people for more than a decade. I might be too young to be this disillusioned but I’m just… so sick of having to deal with fake things, fake people. Having a shitload of acquaintances or strangers as Facebook friends. I can’t have ‘friendships’ that revolve around meaningless jokes or awkward, superficial small talk– I have too many of that already.I crave real, human connection. I long for conversation– not just exchanges on twitter, an online chatbox or text talks. I want to be able to have coffee with an actual human being without the veil of virtual reality. I want to eat dinner with someone who has the decency to turn off their phone for an hour at least. I want to know people, truly, their stances on issues, their ruminations and experiences, their questions in life. I want dynamism. I want to be uncomfortable, I want to be conflicted. At this point I would take anything over a teasing one-liner or worse, a damn Facebook group for a gossip clique that is the modern day friendship.
They say the people you are meant to meet will gravitate towards you in one way or another. You’ll know your friends when you meet them. But I think there’s more to it– I’ve also forgotten how to nurture a friendship. Maybe I’m having such a hard time because I’m looking at it wrong. Or maybe I’m searching too hard, or too far, or searching for the wrong things. There must be something wrong with me if the last time I had a ‘friend crush’ (a strong urge to be friends with someone) was months ago. I don’t know how to make friends and I’m stuck in between wanting everything and expecting nothing. It sucks. It sucks to see naturally likeable people instantly connecting with others and you know you want that for yourself too.
There’s so much more to this, I think. I’ve gotten used to a shit kind of laziness that it bleeds to my current friendships. I see myself blending into the past, or blurred at the edges. Sometimes when you have something you forget that it can leave you at any time. You wake up one day and it’s gone without a trace. I’ve gotten used to getting things instantly, and now I’m trying to slow it down but then I see everybody else racing away as I attempt to chase after lost things. It’s selfish, I guess. I often forget that friendship is not one person– it is compromise, it is selflessness. I have yet to master this.
I have no excuse for myself. I’m probably the shittiest friend in the world but I think I subconsciously feel entitled to the best of people. Once again, pride leaves me safe in a cocoon but more alone than ever. This is pure fear. Fear of inadequacy, fear of missing out, fear of opportunities and fear of denying opportunities, fear of forgetting, fear of being forgotten, fear of boredom, fear of challenge, fear of meaning, fear of meaninglessness.This dualism leaves me undone. I am at a crossroad and I choose all and none. I have no one to blame but myself. But I try. My God, do I try.