19:14, 070314

I will never be that person that you want me to be at the time you need it the most.

The thought physically sickens me. The knot in my gut tightens. This divorce, this divide is almost unbearable– I face the irrational and the inexplicable and it pulls the heart from my body, and my soul cowers at the back of my throat. We push and we scream and there is only silence. There is the void and all we can do is move blindly, our palms glued to our eyes and our eyes adjusts to the blinding darkness. I am groping for the line. I am searching for the pattern. We are all searching for the secret. 

I feel myself being dragged down. There is no exit. I have nothing else to do but to laugh, ironically. I laugh because we are tasked to find the pattern but there is none. There is none because we can never know. It is humanly nonexistent. I laugh. 

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