trade secrets

I’m sort of at a loss. I don’t know how to phrase any of this without sounding like a complete asshat–maybe that is the sign that I shouldn’t say it–but well, if I don’t try to pick this apart, then what’s the point of this blog [confused laughter]

Anyway. I’ve come back to question! the! universe! if it is in fact necessary for friendships to be quite… difficult. Like the requirements to maintaining modern friendships just seem way out of reach for me. Scenarios being: (1) regular heart-to-heart talks are good for your soul, (2) the more hugot you share, the better, (3) friends are repositories of your feelings. Is it just a “millennial thing” to find comfort in sharing your ~profound experiences on love and heartbreak? Are friendships supposed to be defined by how much you’re willing to share your emotions with each other (and I use ‘share’ in the “we will both have a role in this” way)? And the reality that /most of this sharing happens online and in a chat box? It feels like every time someone opens up to me they expect me to level with them in the same way.

I don’t want to come off as the coldhearted / afraid of emotions / tsundere type, but god, I just find this kind of set-up so… immature? Unreal? All of it just screams emotional porn! (Also I am sick of living as a side character to someone else’s delusional interpretation of their life as a John Green story. Just–No. Leave me out of it.)

I guess all of it boils down to me not knowing how to communicate with my friends–well, at least in the manner that some of them use. If you give me your feelings (uhh, especially online) I wouldn’t know what to do with them. I’ll stick ’em in a bag, pat your hand and drop two cents in your hat. I can listen. I can make jokes to help you feel better. I can give rational, objective advice. I don’t want you to feel bad for my unresponsiveness. I don’t want you to think that I’m not interested. But expecting anything else is just a neon sign for me to go run for the hills. Is this normal? Is me admitting this also me admitting that I’m an increasingly shitty friend? I don’t want to be a friend only when it’s convenient, but I also don’t want to stick around when I’m obviously uncomfortable with something. How to get this across, then, is the question…


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