but i don’t want comfort

Holy cow. I haven’t posted a life update in ages! Is this a sign of me finally getting a life lol, just kidding. I feel the same–except now, less prone to troughs compared to when I started this thing. And for some reason, writing this particular post feels like I’m crossing a landmark in my life. I started this blog because I needed the introspection, and perhaps the reason why I stopped posting so often this year was because I was starting to get consumed by this exact need for clarity, for self-awareness. For the first time in my life I felt as if saying something (i.e. verbally manifesting my thoughts) would make it real–too real, enough for my worries and fears to crawl out and resurface. I just could not deal with that again. So I stopped. Thus this is sort of like a confession more than an update, but in reality this should’ve been an update but now I’m too tired to structure it as so, so yeah, take it or leave it hahaha anyway

So much has happened this past few months, and I’ve also got big things going for me, and well, I’m here, trying to articulate things to avoid doing the actual work I really should be doing hahahah (like you know, attempt to pass my fucking classes). So just really quick rundown:

  1. I’ve worked on something really big with a great team and in an environment I’ve never been in before. I guess you could say that tend to place myself in uncomfortable (in a good way) situations.
  2. I’ve started getting used to being alone. I prefer being with a small group of people though (like, people I like). This is actually the universe preparing me for the craziest thing I will ever do yet–going on exchange alone to the Netherlands next semester. Ohmygauze. I’ll reserve my thoughts on this for a later post.
  3. There is no shame in being true to yourself in front of others. In other words, more people are now privy to my shame and indecency loljk. People are a lot more accepting (tolerant) than I imagined though.
  4. Friends… people… relationships… still a vague blob for me. I’ll never fully get it. Thanks though, @universe, you’re really giving my ass a whopping. I’m really, really learning a lot.
  5. Tip to future self: swallow your fucking pride and drop the fucking class if you don’t understand shit! 19 units is basically signing up to drown in your tears.
  6. Also: do NOT binge-watch We Got Married. You’ll sink into a void of feelings and confusion with the cute injustice of it all. Song Jae Rim and Kim So Eun, you broke my shipper heart. #goals!
  7. Man, you should’ve slept earlier. Insomnia, you really are the only constant in my life. Fuck.
  8. Is it so jaded of me to be afraid of good things as they come my way? I feel like I’m living in constant anxiety because I’m suddenly so lucky and #blessed (semi-ironically used) and all I can think of is that acknowledging any of it will make it disappear or worse, somehow turn against me to destroy my life. HELP.

This semester is one whirlwind of a semester. I’ve never been so comfortable and at peace with myself and this little reality since I entered university until this year. But I’ve also never felt more stressed out and thoroughly whipped by the passage of time and events. Time really does speed up as you get older. So many things are happening in such a condensed amount of time, and everything and anything can change in an instant. Honestly beautiful and terrifying, but it is what it is. I’m just trying to take it all in–is this life as it happens?

Lastly, I remember one conversation with an upperclassman back in freshman year. She told me that I shouldn’t be afraid to put myself out there, and that it’ll be worth it. I never really understood it then, but now–I think I do. So thank you, kind senior, for your words. They have given me much courage.

Yeah, so that was me and my messy post. Maybe I’ll make a better one in the future. In the meantime, please pray for my sanity as I try to pass all my fucking classes l a w d. ‘Til then, [Shia LaBeouf voice] just! do! it!

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