the girl who wanted to be God

Planet Terror-31

“I am afraid of getting older. I am afraid of getting married. Spare me from cooking three meals a day—spare me from the relentless cage of routine and rote. I want to be free. (…) I want, I think, to be omniscient… I think I would like to call myself “The girl who wanted to be God.” Yet if I were not in this body, where would I be—perhaps I am destined to be classified and qualified. But, oh, I cry out against it. I am I—I am powerful—but to what extent? I am I.” Sylvia Plath, Letters Home

Hey. This isn’t really anything. I just wanted to talk. To write. To quote that Plath quote I really like, and to post that rad mega-cool ultra-hip photo of me as Simone de Beauvoir (that’s Anton behind me as Jean-Paul Sartre lol) last Halloween for Planet Terror (thanks Jude!). I just wanted to let you know, whoever you are (if you really are there), that I’m still alive. I’m having a pretty shit time at uni right now. Not because of any drama but you know, the usual hell sem worries, except now it’s overblown and shit’s hit the fan and wow, I can’t believe I’m still awake at 3:18 am when I’ve been sleep-deprived for the past 5 months. Speaking of no sleep. My insomnia’s been worsening. I have acne and I haven’t smoked in a fortnight and I think I not-slept my way to a hemorrhoid but yeah. I’m doing the usual shit. Otherwise I’m doing a bit okay. I think I’m in a better place, or maybe it’s just the stress taking too much of my time and thoughts. Anyway. That’s a good thing, right?

I also watched a couple of movies recently. I really liked Yasujiro Ozu’s Tokyo Story. I like how it doesn’t judge anyone. It’s human condition, to forget that we should love people in the right way. We’re too busy trying to be understood that we forget to be understanding. I get it. How do we reconcile that though? How do we find the balance of selfish and selfless? Or do we have to tip it to one side?

Moving on. This is the trippiest video I’ve ever seen in my life. Chamber of Reflections is my favorite track on Salad Days though. Mac DeMarco is a revelation. Jumping to Korea. Taemin and Kai’s collab Pretty Boy made me survive my EL50 paper. I finally understand why some people don’t like K-Pop. I think it’s a cultural thing. Westerners favor more “authentic” music, so they dislike musicians that have curated images (e.g. Lana Del Rey vs. Taylor Swift). K-Pop, however, works exactly because they change images very easily and rapidly. Each song or album is a new concept. It’s like experimentation and art and culture on steroids. I fucking love that. There’s always something new in Korea.

Moving on. Over the past fortnight, while I was supposedly studying for my Econ majors (TANGENT: I got a perfect score on my liquor market analysis from Prof. Ho. I literally cried. I was failing that class and I had to rewrite that paper 8 hours before passing it because Word crashed. Point is, let me feel proud about that. Yay for validation, I’m on the right track.)– I made a long-ass, super detailed itinerary for my week long trip to Japan next April. Sorta went crazy writing it. 2 days in Osaka, 2 days in Kyoto, 2-3 in Tokyo. I am fucking excited. Literally everything I’m planning, from second sem schedule to fitness goals, are hinged on this Japan trip. Fucking. Excited. I feel bad that I don’t have enough time to visit my host family in Kumamoto though. Hopefully I can go back there if ever I get accepted for that exchange program next year. About that. I applied (for the lulz) for an exchange program to the Netherlands or to Japan. Aiming for Utrecht or Osaka/Kyushu Uni next fall. Not sure if I want to continue with it though, but anyway there’s still an interview.

Meanwhile. My sem’s not yet over (since I still have my stat finals on Monday) but I’m finally tasting freedom. Because of said freedom, I’ve booked a spa date with my friend Alysson and I’m watching Ravel and Debussy played by the Manila Orchestra on Friday with Fatemeh. I’m starting to get a hang of 1-1 hangouts. Usually I’m very awkward being alone with someone else but ever since UP I’m starting to like being alone-ish. Good thing too I guess. I’m also really, really excited about my best friend Nicole’s debut on January, we’re headed to my favorite place on Earth El Nido for a 4-day trip. Really. Really. Excited. So I got that going for me. I’m finally going to be able to go to a beach with my main gal pals to unwind and have fun and have all the pina coladas I want.

I also have the time to read books over the break. Eyeing Pessl’s Special Topics in Calamity Physics (found it in a booksale for 200Php!),Piketty’s Capital in the 21st Century (finally!) and Murakami’s 1Q84. Feeling quite bummed about the fact that I don’t think I can reach my movie target this year (120’s a bit of a long shot at this time) but at least there’s still next year.

Overall I feel generally okay right now. I need to work on my friendship skillz though. I’ve been a shit friend to a lot of people. Also my writing habits. As you can see I’m really in a funk right now, I’ve only been writing to churn out academic papers and I haven’t written a poem in months. But now I’m just really tired and burned out. I really need a break. I guess I have Christmas to do it. Also, note to self: you want an external hard-drive for Christmas. And retail therapy (records and clothes. And make-up).

Only thing that’s been really bothering me lately is my discontent. I feel myself wanting more, not really from anyone else but from myself. It’s always good to improve yourself but it seems that I always want to be everyone and anyone and do everything and anything and yeah, I want to think and feel everything and I want to reach that point. I want to be God. Such hubris. Should I stop myself? Should I take the leap of faith? Whatever I believe in, my actions will operate on and perhaps I’ll be closer to the truth. Will I create truth? Do I dare, disturb the universe? It always goes back to this.



eyes copy

STYLE IN ART: Eyes in J No Subete.

Currently drowning in work and academics, but yes wp, I am still alive. I’ll be close to dead at the rate I’m going, although I’ll get by somehow.

  1. My insomnia’s gotten so bad again that I only slept a total of 14 hours last week. It’s 12:35 am now but I feel kind of sleepy already, so I guess that’s a good thing.
  2. Crawling my way through my majors, really. It seems as if I am working myself into a corner that may be difficult to get out of. Never thought I would be BS Org again… yet look at me now. Cue priority adjustments.
  3. I’m sort of having some trouble with some people. Not quite sure yet if my issues are enough for action on my part. It’s mostly just an annoyance and momentary frustration, but if this shit continues I won’t stand for any of it.
  4. Realization: you are the still point of a turning world. Push forward, friend, push forward. We will get by.
  5. My friends are the bravest people I know. I wish to be half as strong as them.
  6. Poetry slam. Phases. Renaissance. Man the Maker. Que horror.
  7. Once again I am reminded that gender is fluid. And that love is SPG in Japan too. Love you Emi Takei. and Tori Matsuzaka. *dreamy sigh*
  8. Movie recommendation: The Girl Who Leapt Through Time, The Wind Rises, Jiro Dreams of Sushi, Tokyo Story. J-Drama recommendation: Asuko March, Kyou Koi Wa Hajimemasu. Manga recommendation: Ooku, J No Subete. As you may have noticed, I am back in my all-things-Japan phase. Only thing keeping me alive tbh. Naruto is ending in a month and Hirunaka no Ryuusei only has around 3 chapters left. Sadness.
  9. I’m going to Japan next year and I’m damn excited. Initially it was set for April, but I’m thinking of rebooking to June so I can spend a month going around the country, and to visit my host family. I know it’s a bit far from now but the thought is very, very comforting.
  10. I want a vintage cigarette case. and a Zippo lighter. Partially for aesthetic reasons, but why are they so pretty in the first place lol.

Here’s a random quote that’s sort of keeping me going:

“For what it’s worth … it’s never too late, or in my case too early, to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit. Start whenever you want. You can change or stay the same. There are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people who have a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of, and if you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again.” (The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, screenplay by Eric Roth)

Slowly trying to loosen my grip on the railings. To fly is to fall. Carry on.

romanesque, gothic

Your shadow looms
Over our petrified nerves,
Your darkness bright-
Eyed, imposing.

You swallow my
Youth and I give you my hands,
My empty palms,
Both knees crooked.

I had only
Wished for a moment to spare,
But the Bells shook
In my cardiac,

Clanging against
Your chest, until your shaking
Is my shaking,

until your shade
melts us together.

  • Experiments on meter and capitalization. Must relearn sonnets.
  • Nighthawks

    20130804-181741.jpg Nighthawks by Edward Hopper

    I used to have packets of light inside me.
    Packets you gave me,
    right behind the steering wheel,
    beside the vending machine,
    in back-alleys and on top of buildings
    like artificial stars surrounding New York at night.

    I saved them, hid them in a box right
    above Insecurity and beneath Fear,
    thinking that maybe i should invest them
    since yes, the streets are quiet but
    at least they’re not silent yet.

    The seconds chase the minutes,
    and the weeks turn into months of
    keeping and saving,
    dust piling on boxes hidden
    rotting and breaking beneath the pressure

    And it turns out,
    you can’t keep light
    because it will always find a way out-

    to darker corners
    heavier hearts

    I saved them for times like this time,
    darker times,
    But well,
    They’re all nearly empty now.

    The streets are silent.
    I am heading home,
    this light the last
    and the dimmest.

    I wish you kept them for me instead.
    You were always better at keeping things.

    ( this is me trying to get my groove back )
    Small steps, Chili. Small steps. We’ll get there.