future

things i would like to change about myself this year aka SLIGHTLY MORE REALISTIC REVAMP 2014

    1. Find right fitness program, and maintain it. Meaning lose weight and not gain it back, you fat ass.
    2. Slightly higher grades! Slightly higher grades! Through legitimate study habits!
    3. Be a better friend. Attempt to connect with people.
    4. Beat 2013 movie record. With the grace and elegance of MOVIE HULK.
    5. Have actual savings to put in savings account.
    6. Spring cleaning. This includes organizing your room, desk, and consequently, life.
    7. No vices. Except for maybe a little alcohol.
    8. WRITE ACTUAL SHIT, BITCH!
    9. Books, books, books. At least 25 this year. Art, philosophy, cultures.
    10. Find, buy, and use idea and planner notebook!
    11. Have faith. In anything, at this point.
    12. Lessen social media interaction. You are not virtual.
    13. Muse, motivation, raison d’être.
    14. Learn to accept my emptiness as an inherent part of me that I will just have to live with.
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cheesy ass new year’s post, as per usual

It is 3:47 am on January 2, 2014. I have nothing else to do except brainfart my way into my first blog post for the new year (besides trying not to vomit because of fanfiction-induced feelings and pre-Sherlock season 3 anticipation). So out of my current state of boredom, here is my attempt at a ~nostalgic~ trip down the shithole that was 2013.

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and indeed there will be time

If I had a superpower, I would want to not need sleep.

Do you guys realize that we spend 1/3 of every single day asleep? That is also kinda saying that you spend 1/3 of your short life sleeping. How about no. 24 hours is short enough.

There will be time, we say, Time in the future, we say to ourselves like a mantra.
But when is the future? Tomorrow? In a while? Ten years from now? It seems as if the days get shorter as we grow older. Will we run out of time? Will our time be worthwhile?
For indeed there will be time– but will that time be ours to enjoy?

This is the product of Hell Week. Forgive my sleep-deprived brain for I have 3 midterms to cram and study for by Friday. Not to mention org stuff. And I made this stupid promise of not going on Twitter this week or else I would have to treat people. So help me God. *cries self to a power nap* I swear after this week I will actually sleep for more than 3 hours…

P.S. Eliot’s Prufrock is so relevant right now. I actually considered posting the whole poem here but I decided that placing my rant after it won’t do it any justice, not at all.

jack of all trades, master of none

well, it’s 2 am on a monday, i can’t sleep, i’ve got work to cram and now it’s time to fill up my self-hate quota for the day.

i just realized that i’m really not good at anything. i mean, i’m average in a lot of things, but i’m not awesome at anything. which is something that greatly troubles me. i’m wading blind into a totally bigger pool in a few months, and yeah, high school was fun shit but college and the real world’s going to be a lot different. the university i’m going to isn’t exactly the easiest either (possibly even the hardest one around here, but that’s debatable) and being ‘average at everything but not great at something’ is not going to cut it there.

i know, you’re probably thinking that i’m some sort of masochistic bitch who doesn’t know what she’s talking about. but it’s true. i’ve noticed it for quite some time now– most of my friends are damn amazing at their own thing. but me? not really. there are a ton of other people who are a thousand times more fantastic at the things i can do average-ly. hell, the only thing i’m great at is faking it until i make it.

and you know what’s fucking ridiculous? the fact that when i actually try to be really good at one thing, i just feel all pretentious and not myself that i eventually stop trying to do anything so i end up awake at 2 in the fucking morning meta-blogging because i have nothing better to do. i find myself doing nothing productive with my life because when i actually want to do something productive or new, the whole ‘jack of all trades master of none’ bullshit pops up like my motherfucking conscience and poof, there it goes, it’s gone. life goes on and world keeps spinning and i’m stuck in between trying to do something and trying not to do anything. my fucking ego is all over the place, my fucking motivation is jackshit, and well, i think i’ve burned out too early in the game.

what the fuck do i even want from myself? what the fuck do i even want to do? the fuck should i know.

fucking comparative and absolute advantage. motherfucking existentialism at 2 in the motherfucking morning.

 

jesus.