late night ramblings

all sentiment is right

There are things that come back to me, quick and unannounced, like jump cuts. Or perhaps I am the one thrown back. The scene cuts and I am thrown into the past, or into the world I’d rather be in. The gun gets shot prematurely. But as if in perfect, deliberate delay, I ricochet between these worlds. This right now, that right one. I am walking and there is a breeze. I know I am embraced by the acacia, I feel the unpaved road beneath my feet but now I am walking on cobblestone, and it is cool and the sun feels too gentle on my face. And chattering, in a language so foreign it is familiar, cocoons me. I am walking down this road and it leads to the wrong museum. The painting at the end is too dark, too dim. It is not that vibrant blue, the ocean that engulfed me, the white zipping through like that the hitch, that one beat resting in my throat right on the second you smiled at me for the first time. There, every curve was to a song I sang in my head, hummed with closed lips, the one that rested on my hips. but here–they are the last 100 meters in a kilometer I am always running.

And here the leaves rustle and branches shake when the wind blows. There it is clear blue, or clear grey, or just a pale sunlight. Where have I run off to now?

tempus fugit,

2015 went by fast! I seriously cannot believe we’re almost through with another year. I’ll just jump straight into updates because LOL I just needed to write some shit down over here. And shoutout to Fatemeh, apparently someone actually reads the shit I post here, amazing. And so it all goes under the cut–

  1. I survived! HELL! aka my latest semester! Fuck yeah! And my grades aren’t half bad! I’d like to thank God, Jesus and all the saints and people I prayed to multiple times over the course of this hellish 19-unit [war flashbacks] semester. Still not feeling that fulfilled about the courses I’m taking (lbr it’s hard to be so ecstatic about theoretical statistics), but who knows, maybe I’ll get another class that I actually find interesting and relevant.
  2. It’s actually the day after Christmas and the day before we fly out to Tokyo, Japan. In 24 hours I’ll be heading to the airport with my family for our first self-planned trip abroad (courtesy of my fantastic itinerary-making skills lol) to visit my sister who is currently studying there. I’m really excited! It was really a last-minute decision, and while that did lead to some drawbacks (in the form of a not-so-bargain airbnb pad) I’m over the moon about it. Y’all know about my endless fascination and personal attachment to that country, so a trip to Japan is really worth the hype, price tag and hard work. I just hope that my family can keep up with my plans (ha-ha) because spending the holidays in Tokyo is no joke…
  3. Current flail-inducing Tokyo dreams: (a) Takashi Murakami’s 500 Arhats exhibition in Roppongi– it’s his first exhibition in his own country in ages and I am absolutely determined to see this in person (also because I feel a strange and inexplicable connection to TOP aka my Dream Guy through TM); (b) SHOPPING– specifically for a decent winter coat, some sturdy white sneakers, and of course Japanese makeup/skincare products. I’ll reserve a number for skincare hehe; (c) FOOD– although I bloated up because of all of the Bacchanalian Feasts of Filipino Christmas (lol k), I am prepared to go all out pretentious foodie in Tokyo. Relying on my research on backalley izakayas and Blade Runner-esque yokochos in what I consider to be the culinary mecca of the world.
  4. ASIAN SKINCARE. The gift that keeps on giving, or the deep abyss that I have fallen into. Either way, this really warrants its own new blog post (I’ll get around to this, I promise?) This new obsession is making me regret a LOT of stupid things like (a) not researching the pH level of my cleansers BEFORE I emptied them and BEFORE I fucked up my acid mantle and (b) not taking my Chemistry classes seriously (but in my defense who would’ve known that I would be hearing “hydrophilic” again after high school right?). But despite all of that I am learning a shitload of things and also burning a ton of cash in the process… but only because the results. are. really. fucking. THERE. ON MY FACE! There are improvements! and they are REAL!!! (ok flailing now). Like I know my skin is really far from perfect but I love the idea of being able to steer my personal care into a direction that will actually give me good results unlike some capitalist myths (*cough* western beauty bullshit *cough*). I’m still building my routine but at least now I’m starting to be aware of the shit I put on my face or ingest, and I think this is really worth it given the stress relief, added knowledge, self-awareness and results that I get out of this whole shebang. I even got my best friend Livi hooked on it too LOL. The learning curve is steep and intimidating but the climb is sooo fun. P.S. I have dry-combination skin.
  5. ASIAN SKINCARE II: MY WISHLIST (this is really more of a note to myself so skip if you want): Benton Snail Bee High Content Skin toner (yes, I’m a sucker for snail goop), Missha Time Revolution Night Repair Science Activator Ampoule (apparently the greatest SkII dupe in history), Innisfree Jeju Bija Anti-Trouble Spot Gel Cleanser (one of the very few affordable low pH (<5.5) cleansers in the market), Hadalabo Gokujyun Super Hyaluronic Acid Lotion (moisturizer from Japan, rave reviews like. everywhere.), Skinfood Strawberry Black Sugar Mask (less intense sister of their black sugar mask), Clinique take the day off remover for lids, lashes and lips OR Lancome Bi-Facil double action eye makeup remover (interestingly enough I used both before when I was a skincare noob, how sad), Su:m37 Miracle Rose Cleansing Stick (the HOLY GRAIL OF ALL CLEANSERS, sold out eveeerywhere), Cerave Foaming Facial Cleanser (cheapish pH 5-5.5 cleanser I think), Cosrx Acne Master Pimple Patch (miracle worker, apparently), Ciracle Pure Vitamin C20 Serum (Vitamin C is great for PHI problems), and lastly Innisfree’s Jeju Volcanic Pore Clay mask. Some things I would consider purchasing too: Banila Co’s Clean It oil-based cleanser, Cosrx’s BHA blackhead active (some swear by it) and maaaybe Innisfree’s green tea line when my face normalizes. And some discoveries of Shit to Avoid/Be Wary Of: coconut oil (comedogenic for a sad minority), alcohol in anything thin (this is why I’m still not sold on Etude House’s Wonder Pore Freshner even though I sooo badly want it to work for me), charcoal anything (no scientific evidence that actually lathering this shit on your skin does anything significant to it), aaaand literally basic cleansers (meaning high pH, HUHUHU I’m still a victim and my chin breakouts speak for themselves).
  6. I AM LEAVING FOR THE NETHERLANDS IN A MONTH. I am not ready?!?!?!?! Idk man. I’ve never done anything remotely close to this kind of insane before…. but I’m always up for an adventure. Again, Chili, why must you be so bored so easily…
  7. I finally got around to writing back to my penpals after n months. I feel kinda bad, but shit got waaaay outta hand. Now, to actually mailing the letters is the next hurdle.
  8. I downloaded this app called Headspace on my phone and basically it’s a intro to meditation. My new age lola was super overjoyed to hear that I started meditating, and although I’m not completely sold on the idea of starting Raja Yoga anytime soon, I feel as if this will really become an integral part of my mental health. I find the exercises quite difficult though 😦
  9. I really have to start budgeting. PSA for all you uni students slugging it out with an empty wallet or with red flags in your back account, I suggest you email the kind folks over at You Need A Budget to send you a free activation pass while you’re studying! I direly need to fix my life financially because I’m tired of being such a predictable college student by being broke all the fuckin time. 😦 LOL.
  10. Thinking if I have the time to beta since exordium is posting beta sign-ups… I haven’t actually done this so this miiight be a first for me if I ever decide to do it. But who knows! Maybe I should just write some Meanie or Jinson/hyungline fic instead LOOLOLOLOLOL

Anyway that’s it for now?? I have to go to the gym before our annual family christmas lunch and it’s 3:30 AM FML!!! I only intended to stay up until 3 LOL………. Then again, my body clock is already screwed to begin with. Guess my body is already trying to prepare me for the European life. Hehe. Wish me luck guys! I really tried with the positive outlook on life thing here.

the plague

Ola. Guess who’s back from the grave. A month into my break finally gave me reason to update this thing again. About my life, lol. Although it remained completely uneventful since the last time I posted. Hmm. Runthrough again with classic enumeration.

On University and Work

  1. Well. Survived last sem. I used survived because I barely came on top of my overwhelming laziness and extreme lack of motivation. Grades turned out alright though, but I want to strangle my international economics professor, that shithead. Anyway. Generally speaking, that semester wasn’t so value-adding in retrospect. Partially because I didn’t like my professors and also because I was just so burnt out from the previous one.
  2. Actually also planned on taking midyear classes, but unsurprisingly, I didn’t enroll because I was too lazy. Here is one of the reasons why I decided to post again.
  3. Signed myself up for more shit and work in my orgs. My friends keep asking me why I did it (don’t do it hoe, then ohmygod) but I guess I just wanted to feel like my work was value-adding and fruitful again. Like they say, it’s satisfying to work with a good team so I’m just feeling my way around for now. Actually enjoying the work so far.

On My Regression Into the Void that is KPOP

  1. Somehow, I found myself back in my kpop phase. Jesus. This is all EXO’s fault. Actually now that I think about it, I spent the latter half of last sem reading all the fic I could get my hands on. I gotta say man, the EXO ficdom is gloriously kinky. Like, sexual awakening levels of kinky. And I don’t say that shit lightly, I consider myself a fic connoisseur (LOLLIN). Bring on the knife play and bottom bitch!Jongdae.
  2. Many surprising gems in the ficdom (surprising because plowing through the EXO fan/ficdom is like going to war and expecting diamonds), so allow me to list down a few favorites: Kkangpae (wonderfully kinky sekai, mafia!AU), Endgame (brilliant spy!AU sekai), Gesamtkunstwerk (who doesn’t love 49k words about creative burnouts, and gorgeous character analysis? top form from the wonderful Di), the heart where i have roots (supreme character and relationship development. cried through this eternal sunshine!AU chankai), The Fine Line Between Love and Jackson Pollock (what can i say, i’m a sucker for art and reckless Chankai), Purgatorio for Two (murakami-like mood. jesus wept. and i don’t even ship baekyeol), Park “Pussy Smasher” Chanyeol (because i’m trash and this won me over with jongdae. this actually hit too close to home i’m depressed because it’s my pwp fantasy come to life). I should stop here. I could go on and on about fic and not run out of shit to say, ya know.
  3. Because of the sekai in LMR, I am /this/ close to writing the fic I want to read. That is, my reckless youths, roadtrip AU. Whiskey, Siken, a bottle of pills, coffee and cigarettes, dingy motels and apple pie a la mode, and Corvettes. Oh the dysfunction! I foresee gunplay and a load of miscommunication. I’m not sorry.
  4. In other KPOP developments, I can’t believe I still don’t have tickets to Big Bang’s concert. LOSER and BAE BAE were my anthems to surviving Hell Week. As well as Chanyeol’s voice. And his grey hair. And Jeonghan’s angel face. And JACKSON WANG. And SHINEE’s Odd Eye and Minho’s biceps and ass. Zitao’s laughter and rap in Rewind. Jesus H Christ. HELP. I’ve got a soft spot for tall Korean rappers with deep voices and I made a fangirl trash twitter account because of it. 😦

On Other Interests

  1. The annual film festivals are nearing and I’m really looking forward to Eiga Sai (Japanese film fest). Hoping to catch Princess Jellyfish and couple of other films. Apparently the theme is something about food, so it’s perfect.
  2. Also starting to rekindle my romance with animanga and comedy TV again. My break’s been spent by basically switching around marathons of Bob’s Burgers, Gekkan Shoujo Nozaki-kun, Orange is the New Black and Yowamushi Pedal. I swear, I’ll get around to updating myself with Game of Thrones soon.
  3. Oddly enough, I didn’t keep track of my film watching this year. I guess the whole list thing unconsciously put pressure on me that I feel strangely burnt out. Still watching movies though, but I guess that also took a back seat in lieu of KPOP reawakening, lol. Mad Max was brilliant. Also enjoyed crying over the Korean classic My Sassy Girl.
  4. Finished a book on the art and science of memory by Joshua Foer called Moonwalking with Einstein. Take that, naysayers! Mind palaces are real and effective!
  5. I’m trying to tell myself to create more reports about the shit I want to learn (i.e. Map of Africa, Dutch 101, etc) but my body clock is so fucked up that I wake up past noon every day and find that I’m just reacting to my life. But I really want to remember how it feels like to learn something for myself again, without any pressure.
  6. I’ve gotten into the hobby of penpalling and it’s a wonderful thing! I have penpals from all over the world– from Arkansas, to Amiens in France, to India. It’s slow, unassuming and intimate. Glad I have something to keep to myself right now. Although I really am coughing up serious cash because of the godforsaken postal service here. Worth it though.
  7. Also had a brief stint with calligraphy. Materials are serious investments so I’m still thinking if I’ll push through with it. Probably will end up trying out cross stitching again instead.
  8. I really, really should get around to posting my Japan 2015 photos because it was a lovely trip. Lightroom is just a little shit and again, laziness.
  9. I’ve been trying to learn how to live ~independently because The Netherlands 2016 is really starting to calcify. I’m actually currently alone in our new pad. Learning how to cook and uhh, /chores/ are really foreign to me (shit, what a millennial!) but I’m liking the freedom. I’ve been spending a lot of days here and even developed a habit of swimming, so I guess this is working out fine. I can cook chicken wings now.

On The Plague of Thoughts 

I guess this isn’t really a blog post from me if I don’t talk about anything related to my thoughts eating me up. Just yesterday I felt an overwhelming feeling of nausea. Psychosomatic, I think. After going out with a couple of friends I just came home literally wanting to puke my guts out. And I thought of all of the things I wanted from myself and what I wanted from everything and what I didn’t want and I just wanted to literally vomit. I keep telling myself to take every feeling as it is, to let it pass, to not let it control me and I’m getting better at it, I think. I think of the lives I could lead and the one I currently have and it’s hard not to weigh yourself down with the usual, useless disappointment. And like. How do I stop getting so frustrated by other people’s actions? It’s not as if I can change them. Ultimately it ends up with me mad, frustrated, chainsmoking reds into a coffee sachet because I’m poor, jaded bitch with ridiculous, stupid life decisions. I think I just need some time off and have a sundowner again.

apocalypse, now

the end started when you kvetched your way back to bed, back to this panic room. the night began, but the moon disappeared when you started digging crescents unto my back. outside the wind howled when you breathed out bullets, so i wanted to weigh our chances of escape–i counted the times that came, and ways i could pick you up and pick you out. my hands trembling over your mouth like a mask. us in motion, just in placation, seeing stars, and watching each one fall parallel to the space between our bodies; quaking, our fault lines forcing the crush, the extinction. the whole planet flattened and you are still on me. i buried sighs into your neck, and i blamed decay for the marks under your jaw, on the spot right below your ear, and on the corner. the nook i would tuck myself into for shelter. i blamed inertia for the seven, eight rounds and revolutions for every hour up to the eleventh; i blamed combustion for the right shade of red under the skin of your lower lip, your cheeks, under stomach under matches, under the waxy pads of my fingers. if i could trace my steps back three hundred days and fifty eight seconds i’d still end up in the same spot on the small of your back, and i’d call it gravitation. the pull of the universe towards the center. you lying down, supine, restless. you on all fours, you on crumpled sheets, arms bent and hands behind your head as in victory, as in surrender. seven years could pass and the records would play the same, broken cry for help. our SOS on the sand, the one you drew on the back of my hand. the sun could pass and we’d still be here. bombs of light billowing to cloud nine. i’m not looking to be rescued anyway.

aaaaaaand this shit will remain shitty and unfinished. i tried, guys. i really tried. holy shit what is this even.

as we were.

“I’ve always tried to make a home for myself, but I have not felt at home in myself. I’ve worked hard at being the hero of my own life. But every time I checked the register of displaced persons, I was still on it. I didn’t know how to belong. Longing? Yes. Belonging? No.”

— Jeanette Winterson, Why Be Happy When You Could Be Normal?

God, I’m so awful at this friendship thing. I don’t even know what to do with myself anymore. Nowadays I just feel like surprise news flashes– breaking news! girl tries to initiates contact with l’etranger, he shoots her instead!— all too sudden and quick to leave so I can avoid opinion, like a permanent shoot-first-think-later gig, so afraid to hear what you think about me. A graveyard out of a bone white afternoon. And it’s always the fucking corpse staring up at me. Waiting for something interesting. Too bad, honey. You’re fucking dead.

Here are a few things that have given me solace from myself:

  1. It’s Okay, That’s Love. 2014 Korean drama. 10/10, totally fresh. I suggest you educate yourself and try to feel something relevant again. I’ll reserve this for a later post.
  2. Only Lovers Left Alive. 2014 Jim Jarmusch. Utterly mesmerizing vampire movie. Hiddles The Bæ and Mother Swinton amidst a background of incredible, beautiful music.
  3. Food porn. To be perfectly honest.

As you were.

a belated new year’s post

Well hello there, 2015. You’ve been a sly little bitch so far.

  1. This holiday season was spent eating my heart out with my immediate family. And a sidetrip to the boondocks with stunning views while we all tried to pretend we could stand one another.
  2. My grades were surprisingly superb given the hell I went through last sem. Excluding EL50 since my professor refuses to post our grades yet (much to my chagrin). I have no idea how he’ll grade us– the wait will either lead to (1) a beautiful ending to that hell sem or (2) me shitting on his face. There is no in-between.
  3. Love is sharing your last cigarette with a friend.
  4. Well. I should quit cold turkey anyway– but you know, fuck it.
  5. I have reached the low point of pathetic and desperate by listening to nature wave sounds on Spotify. I really, really, really miss the beach. I went to El Nido, Palawan (my favorite place on this planet, legit) with my best friends and I have a terrible case of separation anxiety. That trip convinced me that I am meant to live on a beach forever. The withdrawal symptoms are making me antsy. Reminding self to post photos soon.
  6. Not to mention depressed as fuck. This recent wave has been keeping me drowning in misery. To the point that I’m really connecting with Dostoevsky.
  7. Survival is masking your depression with kitten photos and vodka sprites.
  8. As for resolutions. I’d like to (1) exercise regularly, (2) learn something that people wouldn’t normally associate me with (ex. “wow! you can fix a car?”), (3) become that cool yoga lady who wakes up at 5 am to look at the sunrise and greets people with namaste, (4) read more books, (5) improve my make-up game and (6) afford my lifestyle. Not bad.
  9. Diving and driving license. iPhone 6. Faster laptop. #goals
  10. Turns out people really do get fed up with themselves as they grow older. I only like myself because I have new pillows.

Here’s a sneak peek to my post-processed El Nido photos. Also. I hope to upload my backlog of travel photos soon (Cambodia, Vietnam, Korea). Taken during the breathtaking sunset of our last night. I miss the trifecta (sun, sea, sand).

DSC_0779

the girl who wanted to be God

Planet Terror-31

“I am afraid of getting older. I am afraid of getting married. Spare me from cooking three meals a day—spare me from the relentless cage of routine and rote. I want to be free. (…) I want, I think, to be omniscient… I think I would like to call myself “The girl who wanted to be God.” Yet if I were not in this body, where would I be—perhaps I am destined to be classified and qualified. But, oh, I cry out against it. I am I—I am powerful—but to what extent? I am I.” Sylvia Plath, Letters Home

Hey. This isn’t really anything. I just wanted to talk. To write. To quote that Plath quote I really like, and to post that rad mega-cool ultra-hip photo of me as Simone de Beauvoir (that’s Anton behind me as Jean-Paul Sartre lol) last Halloween for Planet Terror (thanks Jude!). I just wanted to let you know, whoever you are (if you really are there), that I’m still alive. I’m having a pretty shit time at uni right now. Not because of any drama but you know, the usual hell sem worries, except now it’s overblown and shit’s hit the fan and wow, I can’t believe I’m still awake at 3:18 am when I’ve been sleep-deprived for the past 5 months. Speaking of no sleep. My insomnia’s been worsening. I have acne and I haven’t smoked in a fortnight and I think I not-slept my way to a hemorrhoid but yeah. I’m doing the usual shit. Otherwise I’m doing a bit okay. I think I’m in a better place, or maybe it’s just the stress taking too much of my time and thoughts. Anyway. That’s a good thing, right?

I also watched a couple of movies recently. I really liked Yasujiro Ozu’s Tokyo Story. I like how it doesn’t judge anyone. It’s human condition, to forget that we should love people in the right way. We’re too busy trying to be understood that we forget to be understanding. I get it. How do we reconcile that though? How do we find the balance of selfish and selfless? Or do we have to tip it to one side?

Moving on. This is the trippiest video I’ve ever seen in my life. Chamber of Reflections is my favorite track on Salad Days though. Mac DeMarco is a revelation. Jumping to Korea. Taemin and Kai’s collab Pretty Boy made me survive my EL50 paper. I finally understand why some people don’t like K-Pop. I think it’s a cultural thing. Westerners favor more “authentic” music, so they dislike musicians that have curated images (e.g. Lana Del Rey vs. Taylor Swift). K-Pop, however, works exactly because they change images very easily and rapidly. Each song or album is a new concept. It’s like experimentation and art and culture on steroids. I fucking love that. There’s always something new in Korea.

Moving on. Over the past fortnight, while I was supposedly studying for my Econ majors (TANGENT: I got a perfect score on my liquor market analysis from Prof. Ho. I literally cried. I was failing that class and I had to rewrite that paper 8 hours before passing it because Word crashed. Point is, let me feel proud about that. Yay for validation, I’m on the right track.)– I made a long-ass, super detailed itinerary for my week long trip to Japan next April. Sorta went crazy writing it. 2 days in Osaka, 2 days in Kyoto, 2-3 in Tokyo. I am fucking excited. Literally everything I’m planning, from second sem schedule to fitness goals, are hinged on this Japan trip. Fucking. Excited. I feel bad that I don’t have enough time to visit my host family in Kumamoto though. Hopefully I can go back there if ever I get accepted for that exchange program next year. About that. I applied (for the lulz) for an exchange program to the Netherlands or to Japan. Aiming for Utrecht or Osaka/Kyushu Uni next fall. Not sure if I want to continue with it though, but anyway there’s still an interview.

Meanwhile. My sem’s not yet over (since I still have my stat finals on Monday) but I’m finally tasting freedom. Because of said freedom, I’ve booked a spa date with my friend Alysson and I’m watching Ravel and Debussy played by the Manila Orchestra on Friday with Fatemeh. I’m starting to get a hang of 1-1 hangouts. Usually I’m very awkward being alone with someone else but ever since UP I’m starting to like being alone-ish. Good thing too I guess. I’m also really, really excited about my best friend Nicole’s debut on January, we’re headed to my favorite place on Earth El Nido for a 4-day trip. Really. Really. Excited. So I got that going for me. I’m finally going to be able to go to a beach with my main gal pals to unwind and have fun and have all the pina coladas I want.

I also have the time to read books over the break. Eyeing Pessl’s Special Topics in Calamity Physics (found it in a booksale for 200Php!),Piketty’s Capital in the 21st Century (finally!) and Murakami’s 1Q84. Feeling quite bummed about the fact that I don’t think I can reach my movie target this year (120’s a bit of a long shot at this time) but at least there’s still next year.

Overall I feel generally okay right now. I need to work on my friendship skillz though. I’ve been a shit friend to a lot of people. Also my writing habits. As you can see I’m really in a funk right now, I’ve only been writing to churn out academic papers and I haven’t written a poem in months. But now I’m just really tired and burned out. I really need a break. I guess I have Christmas to do it. Also, note to self: you want an external hard-drive for Christmas. And retail therapy (records and clothes. And make-up).

Only thing that’s been really bothering me lately is my discontent. I feel myself wanting more, not really from anyone else but from myself. It’s always good to improve yourself but it seems that I always want to be everyone and anyone and do everything and anything and yeah, I want to think and feel everything and I want to reach that point. I want to be God. Such hubris. Should I stop myself? Should I take the leap of faith? Whatever I believe in, my actions will operate on and perhaps I’ll be closer to the truth. Will I create truth? Do I dare, disturb the universe? It always goes back to this.

an indifference, a numbness

“I am a millennial. Generation Y, born between the birth of AIDS and 9/11, give or take. They call us the global generation. We are known for our entitlement and narcissism. Some say it’s because we’re the first generation where every kid gets a trophy just for showing up. Others think it’s because social media allows us to post every time we fart or have a sandwich, for all the world to see. But it seems that our one defining trait is a numbness to the world, an indifference to suffering. I know I did anything I could to not feel; sex, drugs, booze. Just take away the pain, take away my mother and my ass hole father, and the press, and all the boys I loved who wouldn’t love me back. Hell, I was gang raped and two days later, I was back in class like nothing happened. I mean, that must’ve hurt like hell, right? Most people never get over stuff like that, and I was like, ‘Let’s go for Jamba Juice!’. I would give everything I have or will ever have just to feel pain again. To hurt. Thank God for minor-league Fiona and her herb garden. One advantage of being kind of dead is that you don’t have to sweat warning labels. There was this one brown liquid that I thought made my nipples tingle for a second, but I think it was psychosomatic because I polished off the rest of it and didn’t feel shit. I tried every ‘eye of newt’ and ‘wing of fly’ until I found something that made me not look like Marilyn Manson anymore. And that’s the rub of all this, isn’t it? I can’t feel shit. I can’t feel anything. We think that pain is the worst feeling. It isn’t. How can anything be worse than this eternal silence inside of me? I used to not eat for days or eat like crazy and then stick my fingers down my throat. Now, no matter how much I binge, I can’t fill this hole inside me. I can’t take it any more. I think I’m going bat shit. I need to do something.” –Madison Montgomery, American Horror Story: Coven

separation, inadequacy

The tragedy is not that we are alone, but that we cannot be. At times I would give anything in the world to no longer be connected by anything to this universe of men.

— Albert Camus, Notebooks 1951-1959

I feel as if every single person I meet takes something away from me. They take a part of me, bit by bit, every waking moment of every day. I go home and I’m alone. It’s night and I’m awake. I’m alone and aching, aching for the parts that people take, the ones I give, the ones I don’t give, the parts stolen and missing. I look at my photographs and I’m disgusted because I’m slowly leaving my own body, my own self. I no longer am myself. I am the parts I lack.

hindi ito aksidente

nais kong sumisid sa dagat ng iyong panaginip. mangisda ng pira-pirasong alaala ng ating taong ligaw sa nakaraan. sumalamin sa iyong isipan sa dilim ng kinabukasan. isang dasal laban sa dilim, isang kandilang sindihan– ilaw, dilaw, dilaw ng araw, dilaw na kislap ng mga tala, kislap ng mata. pansinin ang dalawang metrong gumigitna sa atin, buhangin lamang sa ating paanan. tumutulo ang apoy at ito ay dugo, dyamanteng dugo. isang patak ay pag-ibig. dalawa’y aksidente, tatlo’y sigaw ng gera. tatlong metrong lapit, tatlong metrong layo. luluhod ako, ako’y lulunod. hawakan mo ang aking kamay, daliri kumakapit. mga kuko’y dagit na bumabaon sa buhangin, sa ugat. wala nang ididiin pa, wala nang mas ilalalim kung hindi ikakalula. pula. pulang ikabubulag. hanapin ang aking kamay. huwag mo akong pakawalan.

my first ever poem in filipino. lol.