a return after long wanderings

Chili’s real life updates and random musings:

  1. I am finally a member of UP Philosophical Society after a fun semester of applying and a grueling 12 hours of darkness and things I’d like to forget. I’d like to thank Albert Camus and Michel de Montaigne for guiding me throughout this app process. Teehee. ❤
  2. I just finished reading Milan Kundera’s The Unbearable Lightness of Being. Such a beautiful book. I almost underlined the shit out of those passages, 1/2 joke. I suggest you pick it up the next time you’re out book shopping. Also I’ll probably write about this soon. Maybe. (my poem “the flame” was inspired by the book actually, jsyk)
  3. March is my last hell month for SY 2013-2014 and I’m surprised I actually found some free time to blog, lol. This semester was actually pretty fun (thanks to a combination of interesting classes and freshman free time) but alas, all good things must come to an end. Opposite sentiments re: Math 100 though, I’m so excited to throw that bitch out of my life soon. (Oh yes I aced my most recent Math exam; I cried like a baby after, I’m sorry guys, I’ve turned into a nerd who cries over exam scores– I’m still proud of myself though you can’t take this blue book away from meee)
  4. POETRY! SLAM! I’m actually organizing one of Manila’s first poetry slam competitions with a couple of my orgmates and wow I am so excited!!!! Really guys. As April 4 approaches my poetic muse stirs slowly out of her sleep… Y’all in it for a ride. Performance poets + art auction = CULTURED F.U.N. (Plug: if you live in Manila and are vaguely interested in slam poetry please attend The Polaris Project’s TINDIG)
  5. In line with my 2014 goals, #CultureWeeks are starting to take full effect! Thanks Cassidy! Basic principle is this: every week you have to keep track of the way you spend your free time. Challenge is that you have to use your free time productively but creatively– so for example, I started using my free time to build my Art Appreciation files by analyzing and exploring paintings online! Also I began learning how to play the Song on the Beach (from the film Her) on the piano. It’s been really, really fun so I suggest y’all try it too! I realized that I wasted so much time on shit that didn’t matter before… all that fucking time wasted, what a shame. Anyway I do hope the internet supports me on this endeavor because as of the moment our wifi is shit. All time low: 30 kbps MAXIMUM SPEED. Fucking hell, no internet is better than slow internet. Trust me.
  6. 25 movies, 8 books so far for 2014. I’m not at my ideal number yet but the month is not yet over!
  7. LESS THAN A HUNDRED DAYS UNTIL THE FIFA WORLD CUP MY BRAIN IS CRYING (official teams for Chili: Spain and Belgium). Also FC Barcelona in the UCL quarterfinals, fuck yeah.
  8. I think I shall attribute my level of depression to the amount of mosquitoes that I know have been born to attack me these past weeks. I have earned a new life skill: killing mosquitoes. I can feel you shitheads from a mile away. Y’all better piss off. Other than that I’ve been sleeping well. Surprisingly.
  9. South Korea was fucking cold. I don’t ever want to see hotpot in my life again. I quite miss the hot Asian men. And perhaps the impossibility of sweat. And SKIING.
  10. Areas of concern: health, love life, money, the absurd. As usual. The world spins on.
  11. Random musing #1: One day I will achieve this cool nonchalance while smoking. I’ve decided to keep nicotine out of the picture this Lent (LOL x 100) but lately I’ve been finding myself looking at photos of Alain Delon (my favorite French actor ugh what a dreamy guy) with those damn cigarettes and wow are these withdrawal symptoms?
  12. 20140317-010459.jpg

  13. Random musing #2: I should really attempt to sit through those Wagner operas. The farthest I’ve gone was 1/3 into Tristan und Isolde. Fuck.

Bonne nuit!


magritte: empire of light, ii


We have known this for centuries,
the aging of the clock,
the revolving cycles of ritual.
Yet the candle burns and the wick
does not wither:
the darkness consumes but
it remains aflame,
the cone of light,
this empire of light,
protecting us thus.

happiness is never grand

what do we do when our hands
fumble for the freedom,
the wood bleeding between
gnashing teeth and
thoughts uprooted when
we try to touch the heavens
while standing on

we finally taste
the frost,
of the cleanest
slate, and the whitest
the snow might be melting
but the cold won’t
leave our bones the starlight
absent in nerve endings,
the lightning gone

we are left with
eyes blurred by mist,
both hands fidgeting under the
liberty, shaky
under the
under waves of thunder
and the sun,
hoping, and longing
for shackles to
chain us to earth

painfully casual

I was walking to a class earlier with a friend, and somewhere along our conversation, we got to the topic of romantic relationships, and people in or out of these kinds of relationships. This called for some sort of introspection on my part, and it hit me then and there– I was and am so painfully casual.

I believe I am a romantic in some deep corner of my soul (I cry every time I watch The Notebook, for Pete’s sake), but so far all of my past ~experiences~ have been nothing else but nice and casual. I can hear my non-existent blog stalkers/readers judging me because of this: I know “nice and casual” is something that most people yearn for in their own relationships, and while I do agree that these types of relationships aren’t bad or even close to disastrous, “nice and casual” aren’t exactly the most passionate adjectives you can use to describe a romance.
There’s nothing wrong with a casual relationship– it’s certainly very natural and easy, almost like a exclusive friendship laced with attraction and mutual feeling. But contrary to popular belief, this level of casualness is hard to achieve. It would require a very distinct form of mutual understanding and trust. The problem with casual relationships is that sometimes they end up being something that’s just there, and sometimes, people end up forgetting that the reason why they came together in the first place instead of staying friends when the difference of both situations barely exist.

This is what bugs me though: I can’t wrap my head around non-casual relationships (in lack of a better term). I observe a lot of my friends in this opposite kind of relationship, and well, to put it bluntly, it just feels so clingy. Personally, I don’t think I’m a clingy person, and likewise, I generally dislike clingy people. I hate seeing couples melding into one thingymajig, like they can’t breathe without talking to each other for five minutes and eventually it ends in some petty argument about how one can text seconds too late for comfort. Suffice to say that I would detest being in a relationship if people would first know and describe me as somebody’s somebody–
for example:
*C & D talking about random person A who is in relationship with random person B
C: Do you know A? How is he/she?
D: Oh, you mean, B’s gf/bf? I heard B is blalalalala…

I didn’t understand that but lol. Catch my drift? It’s like these two people got into a mixer and basically sucked in each other to become one blob of coupleyness.

And the worst part is, when you actually like someone and they happen to like you back, suddenly all of this expectation is laid on your shoulders– now you’re expected to do all the crazy, massive romantic shit you see in cheesy 80’s movies. People wanna think that they can change their partner when they’re in a relationship, but the fact of the matter is that people won’t dramatically change even i they get into that relationship. Sacrifices and compromises must be made, of course, but that won’t change people. They might get used to it, the routine, but they probably won’t change unless you’re Beyonce or something.

I don’t know why. Maybe it’s just me– I don’t need the hassle life of a strict commitment right now. Which is probably why I can only function is something extremely casual. I hate the unnecessary drama. I hate the overdependence. I hate the concreteness and rigidity of social perceptions of proper relationships. I don’t even like labeling relationships: it is what it is– like who the fuck even understands the difference between a MU and a relationship? They all sound pretty fucking same to me. For all people care, you could be MOMOL-ing or just holding hands or even just playing Candy Crush together. Just as long as you know what the other person wants and needs.

I don’t exactly know the point of this post. Maybe I just needed to clarify something for myself.
You have made me ramble on for half an hour, dammit.

music is in the piano only when it is played

We are not one with this world. We are not
the complexity our body is, nor the summer air
idling in the big maple without purpose.
We are a shape the wind makes in these leaves
as it passes through. We are not the wood
any more than the fire, but the heat which is a marriage
between the two. We are certainly not the lake
nor the fish in it, but the something that is
pleased by them. We are the stillness when
a mighty Mediterranean noon subtracts even the voices
of insects by the broken farmhouse. We are evident
when the orchestra plays, and yet are not part
of the strings or brass. Like the song that exists
only in the singing, and is not the singer.
God does not live among the church bells,
but is briefly resident there. We are occasional
like that. A lifetime of easy happiness mixed
with pain and loss, trying always to name and hold
on to the enterprise under way in our chest.
Reality is not what we marry as a feeling. It is what
walks up the dirt path, through the excessive heat
and giant sky, the sea stretching away.
He continues past the nunnery to the old villa
where he will sit on the terrace with her, their sides
touching. In the quiet that is the music of that place,
which is the difference between silence and windlessness.

by Jack Gilbert


Well hello WordPress!

It’s 11:12 pm on October 23, 2012, and I am officially writing my first ever post for my new blog. 🙂

Never been an avid blogger, besides my failure of a blogspot years ago and my currently reblog-and-edit-only tumblr right now. I hope to use WordPress as my daily (hopefully, but unlikely) journal/diary. Which is public. Whatever.

This is a no-holds-barred blog. I merely request that whatever is posted here, stays here. This is the internet, and yes, you have the freedom to use it however way you want– but please be mindful that whatever I post here is most probably honest and raw (in Chili dictionary, meaning full of curses) so a little sensitivity and courtesy please. Also, I do not really care about any of you (the honesty starts now) because I have freedom over the internet too so I will post whatever the hell I want. With a little responsibility. Maybe. Sure. Alright.

It’s my last intramurals tomorrow and honestly, I couldn’t care less. Sure I wanna win but it’s not really so important to me so whatever. Goodnight.


P.S. I am perplexed to as to why the word WordPress has the squiggly red line below it when this whole site is WordPress. Why wouldn’t they add it to their online dictionary. Odd.