real talk

but i don’t want comfort

Holy cow. I haven’t posted a life update in ages! Is this a sign of me finally getting a life lol, just kidding. I feel the same–except now, less prone to troughs compared to when I started this thing. And for some reason, writing this particular post feels like I’m crossing a landmark in my life. I started this blog because I needed the introspection, and perhaps the reason why I stopped posting so often this year was because I was starting to get consumed by this exact need for clarity, for self-awareness. For the first time in my life I felt as if saying something (i.e. verbally manifesting my thoughts) would make it real–too real, enough for my worries and fears to crawl out and resurface. I just could not deal with that again. So I stopped. Thus this is sort of like a confession more than an update, but in reality this should’ve been an update but now I’m too tired to structure it as so, so yeah, take it or leave it hahaha anyway

So much has happened this past few months, and I’ve also got big things going for me, and well, I’m here, trying to articulate things to avoid doing the actual work I really should be doing hahahah (like you know, attempt to pass my fucking classes). So just really quick rundown:

  1. I’ve worked on something really big with a great team and in an environment I’ve never been in before. I guess you could say that tend to place myself in uncomfortable (in a good way) situations.
  2. I’ve started getting used to being alone. I prefer being with a small group of people though (like, people I like). This is actually the universe preparing me for the craziest thing I will ever do yet–going on exchange alone to the Netherlands next semester. Ohmygauze. I’ll reserve my thoughts on this for a later post.
  3. There is no shame in being true to yourself in front of others. In other words, more people are now privy to my shame and indecency loljk. People are a lot more accepting (tolerant) than I imagined though.
  4. Friends… people… relationships… still a vague blob for me. I’ll never fully get it. Thanks though, @universe, you’re really giving my ass a whopping. I’m really, really learning a lot.
  5. Tip to future self: swallow your fucking pride and drop the fucking class if you don’t understand shit! 19 units is basically signing up to drown in your tears.
  6. Also: do NOT binge-watch We Got Married. You’ll sink into a void of feelings and confusion with the cute injustice of it all. Song Jae Rim and Kim So Eun, you broke my shipper heart. #goals!
  7. Man, you should’ve slept earlier. Insomnia, you really are the only constant in my life. Fuck.
  8. Is it so jaded of me to be afraid of good things as they come my way? I feel like I’m living in constant anxiety because I’m suddenly so lucky and #blessed (semi-ironically used) and all I can think of is that acknowledging any of it will make it disappear or worse, somehow turn against me to destroy my life. HELP.

This semester is one whirlwind of a semester. I’ve never been so comfortable and at peace with myself and this little reality since I entered university until this year. But I’ve also never felt more stressed out and thoroughly whipped by the passage of time and events. Time really does speed up as you get older. So many things are happening in such a condensed amount of time, and everything and anything can change in an instant. Honestly beautiful and terrifying, but it is what it is. I’m just trying to take it all in–is this life as it happens?

Lastly, I remember one conversation with an upperclassman back in freshman year. She told me that I shouldn’t be afraid to put myself out there, and that it’ll be worth it. I never really understood it then, but now–I think I do. So thank you, kind senior, for your words. They have given me much courage.

Yeah, so that was me and my messy post. Maybe I’ll make a better one in the future. In the meantime, please pray for my sanity as I try to pass all my fucking classes l a w d. ‘Til then, [Shia LaBeouf voice] just! do! it!

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YOUR WHOLE LIFE IS A PREPARATION FOR SOMETHING ELSE, AND WHY I THINK THIS IS COMPLETELY STUPID

There is nothing like seeing your mom disappointed. Because of you. Specifically, your lack of a boyfriend. At the age of 17. Surely, there must be a god-fearing, decent enough man out there to recognize that you are girl of ripe age, bourgeois upbringing and good education, a man that will one day save you from your single, dumb freedom and provide you your maternal purpose. Surely, you will meet a boy that will gain the approval of your parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, friends of cousins, cousins and second-cousins, maids, your parents’ Facebook friends, parish priests and your drunk, gossiping neighbors. The man is perfect as long as he’s (1) devoutly Catholic, (2) not black, Indian, Arab, and/or pure-Asian, (3) dripping with masculine charm and homophobic vitriol, (4) rich, (5) not bald, (6) emotionally distant except at the sight of failure, femininity and your future children, (7) well-mannered until provoked, (8) a ladies-man as long as he goes home every night and never goes too far, and most importantly, (9) willing to marry you and plant his seed in you before your biological clock stops ticking. Surely, there are still ‘real men’ out there for you (albeit rare like unicorns) but in the meantime, let’s build your dowry under the disguise of your once-braced teeth, your long, jet-black hair, your not-too-brown exotic skin, your shaved everything, made-up everything, your curves in the right places, your legs crossed in right position, your hymen intact, your skirt in between asking-for-it and prudish, your button nose burrowed in a book everyone reads, your hands holding some flowers or a spatula, your feet in the perfect ballerina turn out, your voice in the right decibel, laughter in the right timbre, your mood always cheery never bitchy (unless you’re on your period, but of course that’s a different matter), your head to the sky but nowhere too far, you in your right place. Beside a man. 

Because no matter how you frame it, your life as a woman is in preparation for something else. Marriage. Children. Everything you do now leads up to that walk down the aisle, to meet the perfect man for your perfect life, because you’re a girl, and you aren’t yours, even your name isn’t yours until someone lends his to you. But don’t think about it now. Don’t look depressed, stop frowning, no one likes a girl that’s angry, a girl who fights. Stay silent, stay the right things, don’t try to argue, pray to God and the ultimate He will offer you the world if you ask for it kindly through His virgin mother. Don’t think about it now. Study hard, but not too much that you won’t be open to meeting boys, be kind to all of them no matter what because you’re a girl and you’re supposed to, let some of them break your heart but never take it seriously, because we’ll send you abroad to meet a white French man who will sweep you off your feet in his chalet in the mountains so you can drink wine and have beautiful children, far more beautiful than the ones your friends will have in the future. Or if you don’t meet one, go back as quickly as possible so you can get a job in a beauty company here, build your resume up and work hard until you meet a nice man here, but make sure to seal the deal before you turn 30, or else you’re in danger of our pity. You can be single but looking, or single but devoted to God, or single but chaste.

Never single and free, don’t say that, don’t even think about that, that’s just sad. Because sweetheart, you’re not free until you meet the man of your dreams. Because that’s all you dream about, right? Meeting the man of your dreams. Study all you want but not if you don’t meet someone. Talk all you want until he starts talking. Travel and search the world to find him. Study to find him. Talk to find him. Work to find him. Pray to find him. Exist to find him. Because that’s all you dream about, right?

a return after long wanderings

Chili’s real life updates and random musings:

  1. I am finally a member of UP Philosophical Society after a fun semester of applying and a grueling 12 hours of darkness and things I’d like to forget. I’d like to thank Albert Camus and Michel de Montaigne for guiding me throughout this app process. Teehee. ❤
  2. I just finished reading Milan Kundera’s The Unbearable Lightness of Being. Such a beautiful book. I almost underlined the shit out of those passages, 1/2 joke. I suggest you pick it up the next time you’re out book shopping. Also I’ll probably write about this soon. Maybe. (my poem “the flame” was inspired by the book actually, jsyk)
  3. March is my last hell month for SY 2013-2014 and I’m surprised I actually found some free time to blog, lol. This semester was actually pretty fun (thanks to a combination of interesting classes and freshman free time) but alas, all good things must come to an end. Opposite sentiments re: Math 100 though, I’m so excited to throw that bitch out of my life soon. (Oh yes I aced my most recent Math exam; I cried like a baby after, I’m sorry guys, I’ve turned into a nerd who cries over exam scores– I’m still proud of myself though you can’t take this blue book away from meee)
  4. POETRY! SLAM! I’m actually organizing one of Manila’s first poetry slam competitions with a couple of my orgmates and wow I am so excited!!!! Really guys. As April 4 approaches my poetic muse stirs slowly out of her sleep… Y’all in it for a ride. Performance poets + art auction = CULTURED F.U.N. (Plug: if you live in Manila and are vaguely interested in slam poetry please attend The Polaris Project’s TINDIG)
  5. In line with my 2014 goals, #CultureWeeks are starting to take full effect! Thanks Cassidy! Basic principle is this: every week you have to keep track of the way you spend your free time. Challenge is that you have to use your free time productively but creatively– so for example, I started using my free time to build my Art Appreciation files by analyzing and exploring paintings online! Also I began learning how to play the Song on the Beach (from the film Her) on the piano. It’s been really, really fun so I suggest y’all try it too! I realized that I wasted so much time on shit that didn’t matter before… all that fucking time wasted, what a shame. Anyway I do hope the internet supports me on this endeavor because as of the moment our wifi is shit. All time low: 30 kbps MAXIMUM SPEED. Fucking hell, no internet is better than slow internet. Trust me.
  6. 25 movies, 8 books so far for 2014. I’m not at my ideal number yet but the month is not yet over!
  7. LESS THAN A HUNDRED DAYS UNTIL THE FIFA WORLD CUP MY BRAIN IS CRYING (official teams for Chili: Spain and Belgium). Also FC Barcelona in the UCL quarterfinals, fuck yeah.
  8. I think I shall attribute my level of depression to the amount of mosquitoes that I know have been born to attack me these past weeks. I have earned a new life skill: killing mosquitoes. I can feel you shitheads from a mile away. Y’all better piss off. Other than that I’ve been sleeping well. Surprisingly.
  9. South Korea was fucking cold. I don’t ever want to see hotpot in my life again. I quite miss the hot Asian men. And perhaps the impossibility of sweat. And SKIING.
  10. Areas of concern: health, love life, money, the absurd. As usual. The world spins on.
  11. Random musing #1: One day I will achieve this cool nonchalance while smoking. I’ve decided to keep nicotine out of the picture this Lent (LOL x 100) but lately I’ve been finding myself looking at photos of Alain Delon (my favorite French actor ugh what a dreamy guy) with those damn cigarettes and wow are these withdrawal symptoms?
  12. 20140317-010459.jpg

  13. Random musing #2: I should really attempt to sit through those Wagner operas. The farthest I’ve gone was 1/3 into Tristan und Isolde. Fuck.

Bonne nuit!

on friendship and actual human connection

I’m starting to have trouble connecting with people.

I’ve been thinking about this for a while now, honestly. It’s very disconcerting because I’ve always /sort of/ identified myself as an extrovert (at least to some extent), so I’ve never actually had any major problems with “socializing” per se. I actually sometimes enjoy the small talk with random people, but nowadays I just kind of… shut down. I don’t know what changed in me– maybe it’s just the perfunctory awkward freshman phase or just a self-preservation thing because of the major changes in my life. With college and 2013 shit, basically.

I feel as if I’m tethered to a kite that is slowly flying farther away from reality and genuine connections. I used to pride myself in having the flexibility to be able to talk to all sorts of people, but now, everything just seems so dishonest or forced. It’s like I stopped believing in making new friends because I got so used to the same people for more than a decade. I might be too young to be this disillusioned but I’m just… so sick of having to deal with fake things, fake people. Having a shitload of acquaintances or strangers as Facebook friends. I can’t have ‘friendships’ that revolve around meaningless jokes or awkward, superficial small talk– I have too many of that already.I crave real, human connection. I long for conversation– not just exchanges on twitter, an online chatbox or text talks. I want to be able to have coffee with an actual human being without the veil of virtual reality. I want to eat dinner with someone who has the decency to turn off their phone for an hour at least. I want to know people, truly, their stances on issues, their ruminations and experiences, their questions in life. I want dynamism. I want to be uncomfortable, I want to be conflicted. At this point I would take anything over a teasing one-liner or worse, a damn Facebook group for a gossip clique that is the modern day friendship.

They say the people you are meant to meet will gravitate towards you in one way or another. You’ll know your friends when you meet them. But I think there’s more to it– I’ve also forgotten how to nurture a friendship. Maybe I’m having such a hard time because I’m looking at it wrong. Or maybe I’m searching too hard, or too far, or searching for the wrong things. There must be something wrong with me if the last time I had a ‘friend crush’ (a strong urge to be friends with someone) was months ago. I don’t know how to make friends and I’m stuck in between wanting everything and expecting nothing. It sucks. It sucks to see naturally likeable people instantly connecting with others and you know you want that for yourself too.

There’s so much more to this, I think. I’ve gotten used to a shit kind of laziness that it bleeds to my current friendships. I see myself blending into the past, or blurred at the edges. Sometimes when you have something you forget that it can leave you at any time. You wake up one day and it’s gone without a trace. I’ve gotten used to getting things instantly, and now I’m trying to slow it down but then I see everybody else racing away as I attempt to chase after lost things. It’s selfish, I guess. I often forget that friendship is not one person– it is compromise, it is selflessness. I have yet to master this.

I have no excuse for myself. I’m probably the shittiest friend in the world but I think I subconsciously feel entitled to the best of people. Once again, pride leaves me safe in a cocoon but more alone than ever. This is pure fear. Fear of inadequacy, fear of missing out, fear of opportunities and fear of denying opportunities, fear of forgetting, fear of being forgotten, fear of boredom, fear of challenge, fear of meaning, fear of meaninglessness.This dualism leaves me undone. I am at a crossroad and I choose all and none. I have no one to blame but myself. But I try. My God, do I try.

the profundity of thinking small

“But what is ‘saved’ time spent for? To earn more money so one can purchase more goodies– to be kept cold in a second refrigerator. Our lives are sad and empty because we are not like that ‘saved’ time. Time is not to be saved, for essentially there is no way of keeping it. There are no deposits for time.

One should not bother with it, then. There are no ‘time’ banks the way that there are banks in which money and jewelry can be deposited. Think small of time. Denigrate it till it is no longer a factor in our lives. There is only this day. There are only three meals. There is only this amount of money. Those are the givens in which I exist. I must master these givens. Yielding is a step towards ennui.”

Edilberto M. Alegre

things i would like to change about myself this year aka SLIGHTLY MORE REALISTIC REVAMP 2014

    1. Find right fitness program, and maintain it. Meaning lose weight and not gain it back, you fat ass.
    2. Slightly higher grades! Slightly higher grades! Through legitimate study habits!
    3. Be a better friend. Attempt to connect with people.
    4. Beat 2013 movie record. With the grace and elegance of MOVIE HULK.
    5. Have actual savings to put in savings account.
    6. Spring cleaning. This includes organizing your room, desk, and consequently, life.
    7. No vices. Except for maybe a little alcohol.
    8. WRITE ACTUAL SHIT, BITCH!
    9. Books, books, books. At least 25 this year. Art, philosophy, cultures.
    10. Find, buy, and use idea and planner notebook!
    11. Have faith. In anything, at this point.
    12. Lessen social media interaction. You are not virtual.
    13. Muse, motivation, raison d’être.
    14. Learn to accept my emptiness as an inherent part of me that I will just have to live with.

cheesy ass new year’s post, as per usual

It is 3:47 am on January 2, 2014. I have nothing else to do except brainfart my way into my first blog post for the new year (besides trying not to vomit because of fanfiction-induced feelings and pre-Sherlock season 3 anticipation). So out of my current state of boredom, here is my attempt at a ~nostalgic~ trip down the shithole that was 2013.

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